Monday, April 12, 2010

Blow It Out Your Tailpipe, Hummer!

I drive a Toyota Corolla.  Not a huge car, but not tiny either.  So I head down to the parking lot after work today and once again, two supersize truck/car/godzilla/bigger-than-mountains things are parked on either side of me.  I can't see squat to my left or my right except for their doors.  I back out very slowly, waiting for what I know is going to happen next: HO-N-KK!!!!!  I get blasted at because someone else is driving up the lane.  Not only do I get blasted, I get the you're-such-a-moron-can't-you-see-me-oh-god-it's-a-woman-driver look followed by the one finger salute.  How in the world am I supposed to see with these gargantuan god-knows-what-the-eff-these-monstrosities-are parked around me?  I can't see through them, for pete's sake.  Then I stop off at Kroger on the way home.  Once again, I'm backing out of my parking space and start up the lane.  Some woman in another megazilla mobile comes at me head on and stops about 8 inches in front of me.  I mean  She's in the middle of the lane.  She couldn't move over before she got to me?  NO-O-O-OOOO.  I had to maneuver around her while she gave me a look that could kill, like it was my fault.  I just looked right back at her with a big obnoxious smile and didn't do jumping jacks on her hood, but only because I had to pee really bad and needed to get home really fast.  It's darn near impossible to drive with your legs crossed.  Anyway, I park fairly far away from the store when I go shopping just to avoid incidents like this.  I swear on my front bumper that one of these days I'm going to be parked out in the East Jesus lot, come back from the store to find my car surrounded by a couple of behemoths, and I'm going to do the Happy Key Dance.  You know the one I mean.  I'm going to write my name in Hebrew AND Latin on every available inch of space on both vehicles with my handy dandy car key.  THAT would be worth going to jail for.  "Sorry, Officer, I just snapped."

And what was I doing at Kroger?  Thanks for asking!  I wasn't buying Cheetos, that's for sure.  Further details to follow.

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