Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Signs of the Apocalypse

1)  Justin Bieber named Artist of the Year at the American Music Awards (as Ozzy Osbourne says, "What is a Beiber?").

2)  The Petraeus news just keeps going and going and .......

3)  Walmart is starting "Black Friday" on "Family Thanksgiving Dinner Thursday."

4)  The Cincinnati Bengals beat the New York Giants.

5)  Rosie O'Donnell wants to buy Honey Boo Boo a house.

6)  Honey Boo Boo

7)  No more Twinkies??!

8)  Octomom still has custody of all those kids (and so do the Duggars -- have they never heard of birth control?)

9)  Israel and the Hamas are going at it (Book of Revelation, anyone?).

10)  I just lost 4.5 pounds in only one week.  Hell has officially frozen over.

We're all gonna die.  Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

'Tis the Season!

When I was a kid, the holiday season didn't begin officially until the week of Thanksgiving.  But now the Christmas decorations start going up in the stores around Labor Day.  That means we're shopping for Halloween costumes over Fourth of July.  It seems pretty crazy to me, but when in Rome.....  So let me welcome you to this year's season of family fun!  Or, as I like to call it, "The Day When Everyone in the Family Who's Still Speaking to Each Other Get Together."

Don't you just love the holidays this time of year?  Your kids are changing their minds about what they want from Santa every 5 minutes right up until 11:59 PM on Christmas Eve -- because Santa knows and he can do anything, Mom!  Ever try finding the toy-of-the-year on Christmas Eve?  You can't even find it a month earlier!  Back in the day, my Mom and I would go to Zayre's (remember that department store?) on the evening of Christmas Eve.  On the way there, we would stop somewhere and get Diet Cokes.  (Hey, it was going to be a long night!)  Then we'd go inside, find us a bench to sit on, and watch the last minute shoppers go nuts trying to find everything on their lists!  We'd make bets on who was going to collapse in tears first or which two people going after the same item would get into a fight.  It was a madhouse, and Mom and I would sit there and laugh and poke each other in the ribs.  It was better than mud wrestling!

I work for a company that is just right up the street from a shopping mall.  Oh yeah, you bet I love that.  I don't do malls except when I get the silly urge to go mall walking, and that happens about once every 5 years.  You would not believe the traffic during the winter holidays.  All I want to do is drive 2-1/2 blocks to Jersey Mike's for lunch (shut up! it's too cold to walk!) and traffic is moving about 3 feet an hour.  People are giving out the one-finger salute like it's free candy, horns are blowing, and my stomach is about to jump out of my throat and continue the trip without me.  I just want to scramble out of my car and scream at everyone that "It's the Holy Season and all ya'll ought to be loving your neighbor!"  Of course, that will have to wait until I finish my own one-finger salute!

Thanksgiving.  Isn't it great?  I'm especially loving it this year now that I'm in Weight Watchers.  For the past month, our Weight Watcher leader is telling us to plan ahead, figure out how we can make those side dishes healthier and with fewer calories, and have a plan for what we're going to eat, and for pete's sake don't forget to count every little crumb that goes in your mouth.  I'm thinking about e-mailing her a picture of me with 2 fat turkey legs in one hand, a fistful of stuffing in the other hand, and mashed potatoes and gravy running down my chin.  Count your calories??  I don't think so!  I've spent the last 6 months being fairly good about this, but on Thanksgiving I want FOOD!!  I'm not all that crazy about turkey.  What I really like is to put stuffing in a cereal bowl, top that with mashed potatoes, and then top both of those with about a quart of gravy.  Now them's good eatin'!

But then there's always the dishes.  Boo.  My sister Judy (may she rest in peace) and I always did the dishes after Thanksgiving dinner.  Let me rephrase that.  I always did the dishes after Thanksgiving dinner.  Judy would tell me, "I have to go to the bathroom.  Put away the leftovers and I'll be right back."  Yeah, right.  I could stow the leftovers, clear the table, wash, dry, and put away the dishes, and she would still be upstairs hiding behind the bathroom door.  Nowadays, I just say "I'm over 50 and I don't have to do anything I don't want to do anymore!"  It helps that dishwashers are more mechanical now than human, ha-ha.

So, the holidays are officially here.  My niece Meredith will grab both turkey legs next week and wave them in my sister Lisa's face.  (Long story.)  At least one kid will be too tired and cry.  I'll sit on my lazy butt and let the rest of the family do the clean-up.  Mom, Dad, and Judy will be looking down and smiling on us all.  Santa will be taking names.  Maybe I should let that one-finger salute rest until after Christmas!

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Some Things I Know for Sure

Donald Trump is an idiot.

So is Ted Nugent.

A fact revisited.....After you turn 50, you get no warning when you're about to fart.  At work, the aisle at the grocery store, every time you turn over in your sleep.  Pffttt! Pffttt! Pffttt!  But that's only the quiet ones.  It gets worse!  Trust me on this.  Once you're 55, you not only get no warning, you will be talking to someone when you hear a "RRIIIIIIIIPPP!!" like the sound of an elephant trumpeting, and you won't care that it's coming from you.  You won't even pause long enough to say "Pardon me!  I'm sorry!" because you've done it so often, your brain doesn't register it anymore.

When you're buying a magazine or book, or you're just perusing one while you're stuck in the checkout line, never ever EVER pick up the first one in the stack.  You don't know who has touched it, what kid has licked it (maybe I licked it, you never know!), if someone wiped their booger covered hands on it, or what.  Get the picture?  Always go for the one that's a couple from the back.  Then you can be pretty sure that it's relatively unscathed and safe to touch.  If there's only one copy, BACK AWAY NOW.

While we're on the subject, the same goes for waiting rooms.  Never ever EVER read a magazine or pamphlet in a waiting room.  It doesn't matter if it's the last one in the stack, it's been groped by God knows who or what.  You go to the doctor for a pulled muscle, touch a magazine, and you'll walk out of there with scabies.  Just don't do it.  Take your own reading material or do without.

If there is dog poop or bubblegum on the ground, I will step it.  It's just a sad fact of my life.

Once you're 50, you don't have to do anything you don't want to anymore, except maybe work, die, and pay taxes.  And when you say "No, I don't want to", you don't have to say why.  You're no longer obligated to give a reason.  If the neighbor next door asks you to watch her bratty kids, all you have to say is "No."  I, however, like giving reasons for the things I don't do.  So I would be saying, "No, not if you paid me a million bucks, because your kids are the spawn of Satan, and I would rather chew live scorpions than be anywhere near those hellions."

If you have dogs or cats, you can get out of bringing a dish to a potluck simply by saying, "I'd love to bring a dish.  Oh my, I just hope I don't get the dog's fleas or cat hair in it."  You will still be invited to future meals, but you will never have to bring a dish again.

When I use a public restroom, I will sit down on a very warm seat 9 times out of 10.  Yuck, someone else's naked butt heat.  Just another sad fact of my life.

The Kardashians/Jenners have got to be the most useless pieces of you-know-what-that-starts-with-"sh" on this planet.  (Oh, wait a minute.  This just in:  Octomom and the entire cast of "Jersey Shore" are looking to claim the title.)  I must say that Bruce Jenner has got to be the most kitty-whipped man in all creation.  His wife tells him that she may still have the hots for an old flame and she met him to find out if there was anything to it--and she tells him on national television--and he barely raises a fake eyebrow!  I would have thrown that skank out of my house and changed the locks!  No, I don't watch the show.  I got this from the 50 bazillion commercials that were shown about it.

But hey, commercials featuring the Kartrashians are way better than the recent election ads, don't ya think?  I'd be stuck sitting through 5 ads in a row and every person in them was talking out the side of his mouth.  Talk about lying!  They all need a big old bar of Lifebuoy to suck on.  I'm so glad this election is over.  I've never seen a campaign season so filled with people saying mean and vicious things!  Now if the voices in my head would just stop talking to each other......

I'm the Kitchen Sink and I approve this message!