Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Some Things I Know for Sure

Donald Trump is an idiot.

So is Ted Nugent.

A fact revisited.....After you turn 50, you get no warning when you're about to fart.  At work, the aisle at the grocery store, every time you turn over in your sleep.  Pffttt! Pffttt! Pffttt!  But that's only the quiet ones.  It gets worse!  Trust me on this.  Once you're 55, you not only get no warning, you will be talking to someone when you hear a "RRIIIIIIIIPPP!!" like the sound of an elephant trumpeting, and you won't care that it's coming from you.  You won't even pause long enough to say "Pardon me!  I'm sorry!" because you've done it so often, your brain doesn't register it anymore.

When you're buying a magazine or book, or you're just perusing one while you're stuck in the checkout line, never ever EVER pick up the first one in the stack.  You don't know who has touched it, what kid has licked it (maybe I licked it, you never know!), if someone wiped their booger covered hands on it, or what.  Get the picture?  Always go for the one that's a couple from the back.  Then you can be pretty sure that it's relatively unscathed and safe to touch.  If there's only one copy, BACK AWAY NOW.

While we're on the subject, the same goes for waiting rooms.  Never ever EVER read a magazine or pamphlet in a waiting room.  It doesn't matter if it's the last one in the stack, it's been groped by God knows who or what.  You go to the doctor for a pulled muscle, touch a magazine, and you'll walk out of there with scabies.  Just don't do it.  Take your own reading material or do without.

If there is dog poop or bubblegum on the ground, I will step it.  It's just a sad fact of my life.

Once you're 50, you don't have to do anything you don't want to anymore, except maybe work, die, and pay taxes.  And when you say "No, I don't want to", you don't have to say why.  You're no longer obligated to give a reason.  If the neighbor next door asks you to watch her bratty kids, all you have to say is "No."  I, however, like giving reasons for the things I don't do.  So I would be saying, "No, not if you paid me a million bucks, because your kids are the spawn of Satan, and I would rather chew live scorpions than be anywhere near those hellions."

If you have dogs or cats, you can get out of bringing a dish to a potluck simply by saying, "I'd love to bring a dish.  Oh my, I just hope I don't get the dog's fleas or cat hair in it."  You will still be invited to future meals, but you will never have to bring a dish again.

When I use a public restroom, I will sit down on a very warm seat 9 times out of 10.  Yuck, someone else's naked butt heat.  Just another sad fact of my life.

The Kardashians/Jenners have got to be the most useless pieces of you-know-what-that-starts-with-"sh" on this planet.  (Oh, wait a minute.  This just in:  Octomom and the entire cast of "Jersey Shore" are looking to claim the title.)  I must say that Bruce Jenner has got to be the most kitty-whipped man in all creation.  His wife tells him that she may still have the hots for an old flame and she met him to find out if there was anything to it--and she tells him on national television--and he barely raises a fake eyebrow!  I would have thrown that skank out of my house and changed the locks!  No, I don't watch the show.  I got this from the 50 bazillion commercials that were shown about it.

But hey, commercials featuring the Kartrashians are way better than the recent election ads, don't ya think?  I'd be stuck sitting through 5 ads in a row and every person in them was talking out the side of his mouth.  Talk about lying!  They all need a big old bar of Lifebuoy to suck on.  I'm so glad this election is over.  I've never seen a campaign season so filled with people saying mean and vicious things!  Now if the voices in my head would just stop talking to each other......

I'm the Kitchen Sink and I approve this message!

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