So I got my test results......

…..and they are Negative and Negative. I don’t have Celiac Disease. There are no tumors on my parotid glands. I’m a mix of being grateful that nothing bad was found and being upset because we still don’t have a diagnosis after almost 10 months of testing. The afternoon I got the results, I took the rest of the day to be verklempt and grumpy and feel sorry for myself. The next morning, I sucked it up and started being strong again. But I must admit, this is really wearing on me.

As long as I’m admitting things, I haven’t used my Bi-PAP mask and machine for at least 2 months, maybe longer. I just can’t stand the thought of having that thing on my face. It’s too confining and I’m a little too claustrophobic. Not that I need to explain it. The picture says it all.

I’m just not dealing well with it. Unfortunately, I need to because sleep apnea can kill you. So, once again, I’m going to have to suck it up and be strong.

I’m tired of being strong.  And now I'm whiney, too!  I think I need to just get over my fine self and put a big smile on my face right now!


There, that's better!

Is anyone else hearing tree limbs cracking off and dropping onto their roofs?  It's happened 3 times here in the past 15 minutes.  We had the lovely ice coating everything except our driveway this morning, so I had to show up at work.  I'm grateful to have a job, really.  It just would have been nice to work from home in my jammies today.  But I've been going outside to check the roof and our driveway is now coated with a shiny sheet of ice.  And tomorrow I want to go to work because it's Skyline day.  I can't miss lunch at Skyline!

Well, obviously, I have nothing interesting to write about, so I'll just sign off like the guys on my favorite show "Wipeout" and hope that the next blog will be much more entertaining.

Good night.....and big balls!

Listen to the whining and then you can see the skating foot.....

It must still be Christmas because I’m still eating anything that doesn’t move. On the other hand, Christmas must be over because we finally put away the Christmas decorations last Friday…..Friday, January 14th. I’m starting off the new year a little late, it would seem.

I hope everyone had a fabulous Christmas, being with family, eating the holiday cheese ball, and stepping on the Chex mix. Yep, stepping on it. I always manage to drop a square or two of cereal when I’m making the mix, and I swear that I crunch it under my shoes for 3 months. Where does it hide when everyone else is tromping through the kitchen? It’s only out on the floor when I’m walking on it. I’m starting to get paranoid about it. It’s a conspiracy, I’m sure.

Anyway, I haven’t been blogging because I was working a lot, being poked/prodded/tested a lot, and trying to get ready for the holidays. So what shall we catch up on first? The poking, prodding, and testing? Okay, let ‘er rip!

Since we were last here, I have seen Dr. OhMyAchyBody. We are now up to 44 tubes of blood. The SED rate is still up there among the clouds. And this time we drained some blood for a Celiac Sprue Panel, testing to see whether I have celiac disease. I also had 2 MRI’s, one without contrast dye and then one with contrast dye. I am just claustrophobic enough to be bothered by lying in an MRI machine like a dead body stuffed into a way-too-small coffin. Not only was it very confining (my nose almost touched the ceiling of it), they had my head in this vise thing and strapped every way but loose. I was not amused. The MRI’s were to get the goods on my parotid glands—to see if there was inflammation or a tumor or whatever. Now, I had the blood drawn at Dr. OhMyAchyBody’s office. I said to the nurse, “I’m a little concerned about this particular round of tests. Please have someone call me with the results.” A week or so later, one of the nurses at the office called me about something else, and I asked her, “Please have someone call me about these test results.” At which time she informs me, “We don’t call with results if they don’t show anything.” I told her that I knew that, but these tests were very different from what I had been having and I wanted to be notified about the results. The MRI was on December 14th and I had the blood labs done on December 10th. Have I heard from anyone? NO! OF COURSE NOT! Not that I’m bitter or anything. :-) But how do I know that my test results haven’t just fallen through the cracks or something? So tomorrow, I’m calling them again and using my charm to get the stinkin’ results. I’m fairly certain that I don’t have celiac disease or tumors in my spit glands, but doggonit, I want to know FOR SURE.

So I see my ophthalmologist later this month. Then it’s back to the dentist, Dr. Dracula, and Dr. OhMyAchyBody next month. I also saw a dermatologist earlier this month (Dr. SheKeepsMePretty) and got a good report from her.

I was transferring information from my 2010 planner to my 2011 planner, and I now have 12 doctors—TWELVE—that I see on a regular basis. Isn’t that just a little excessive? Wouldn’t you think that one of them could figure out what’s going wrong with my body? God love ‘em, I shouldn’t say that because they’re all very good and trying very hard. I’m just getting a little tired of all this.

No more whining! Let’s talk about something fun! You all need to see our little Christmas tree. I don’t much like decorating a Christmas tree and I like un-decorating one even less. Also, by the time I do Dad’s tree and decorations, I just don’t want to do another one. But I help put up a small one at home and I always end up being glad when I do. This year, there was something a little different under our tree. Check it out.

Do you see something that doesn't belong there?

Here's a better view.

Yeah, nothing says "It's Christmas!" like a cat butt under the tree!  "Butt" to be fair, I should probably let you see the other, more pleasing end of Louise the Wonder Kitty.



She's a pretty girl.  Of course, now her sister Thelma wants her picture here, too.

Now that I've bored you with pictures, I'm going to bore you with more pictures.  But these are worth it.  Every year at my Dad's house (and formerly Mom's house, too, rest her soul), we set out the skating rink by the Christmas tree.

It's just a cheap thing that I picked up many years ago to amuse the younger sisters and brothers.  Now THEIR kids love playing with it every Christmas. The skaters "skate" because there are magnets on the bottom of their bases that follow a set path that is inserted beneath the pond.  I know what you're thinking.  "Hmmm, I see two sets of skaters, but what's that lump?"  That, my friends, is the skating foot!

Sometime, somehow, the beautiful figure skater doing the figure-8's was separated from her foot, unable to be fixed, buried in the trash can.  And now the foot skates all alone, searching and longing for the body it once had.

That's my story, and I'm sticking to it!

'Tis the Season

I mailed my Christmas cards today.  I finished my Christmas shopping over a week ago and even did some of Dad's shopping.  Now all that's left to do is to wrap the stuff.  Make the Chex mix (about 12 gallons worth....seriously).  Help put up our Christmas tree.  Put up Dad's tree and decorations.  And.....

I hate the holidays.

No, not really.  But I just wore myself out thinking about all that's still left to do.  So okay, our tree will go up this week and I'll do Dad's this Saturday.  I'll start wrapping a few things every night and be finished with it in no time.  The Chex mix takes about two days.  Not so bad, after all!  I feel better already!

So I trust that everyone had a fabulous Thanksgiving.  Ginger had a nice, quiet day at home with herself, the cats, and close to a 2-pound lobster that I named Leroy.  I gathered with most of my family at my sister's.  You would not believe this turkey she cooked.  Perfection in every way.  I don't even like Thanksgiving turkey and I smacked my lips all over a big ol' chunk of it.  I'm more of a Thanksgiving side dish person myself.  Give me a bowl and I'm all happy.  Some dressing/stuffing in one side, mashed potatoes in the other, and globs of gravy over the whole thing.  Now that's what I'm grateful for!  No pumpkin pie for me.  I'd rather have a vat full of carbs any day.

Yes, I know it's been quite a while since I last posted.  I've been working, gracing the doctors with my presence....you know....the usual stuff.  I saw Dr. Dracula last Monday and I see Dr. OhMyAchyBody this Thursday.  I'm now up to 41 tubes of blood and half a dozen finger pricks.  Do we know what's wrong yet?  Of course not!  Wouldn't that just be too simple?  My parotid glands have been so swollen off and on the past few days that I'm starting to look like some chipmunk's fat-faced aunt.  The sleep machine and I are not being very cordial to each other these days, but I'm trying.  Oh yeah, I had my yearly mammogram!  Woohoo!  The technician flopped my big left one up on the shelf, pushed the button to start the big squeeze, and said "Tell me when you think you can't stand a bit more pressure."  I yelled, "Boy-howdy, this is it!" (or the polite equivalent), and she added a couple of more big squeezes.  She had the shelf moving so much that I was standing on my tip toes, hanging on by a niblet, bless her heart.  But she got good pictures and everything was clear.  I was mightily relieved.  But next year, I think I'll just lie down topless on our driveway and have Ginger back her car back and forth over the girls a few times so that I'll be better prepared. :-)

And now it's Christmas.  Like I said, I mailed my Christmas cards this morning.  I've already received one from a couple of my cousins.  I love Christmas cards, but those yearly Christmas newsletters are another thing.  Most of them are okay, but then you get the ones where you hear about every move the children make plus how many times the dog piddled during the year.  Not so good.  I keep thinking that I should put a holiday newsletter in my cards, but my life is so boring that no one would want to read it.  However, it has occurred to me that I could lie!  Then I would have a fabulous, interesting newsletter that would read something like this:

Merry Christmas, Hanukah, Kwanzaa, Solstice, Harvest, Eid, you-pick-your-holiday, to you!  I pray that God, Moses, Abraham, Glinda the Good Witch, Buddha, Mother Nature, you-choose-your-higher-power, has blessed you generously this year.  This has been an exciting year for me, but please don't believe everything you hear on the news or read in the newspaper.  I would explain most of it, but it's really none of your freaking business.  Sorry.  I get a little high strung when I think about it.  So anyway, I finally found a job, praise the Lord, Mohammed, and Charlie Brown!  It's only part time, but I'm hoping it leads to bigger and better things.  Now that I have learned the 25 ways to clean a public bathroom, I've been promised that I will move up to scrubbing the toilets at our local prison.  This is a good thing because now I can visit our little Bobby more often.  I told him over and over again that smashing the front window is no way to break into a store, and that he should either pick the lock or hide inside until everyone has left.  But would he listen to his mother?  No way!  At least now he has 3 good meals a day and a place to lay his head every night.  Our youngest, Bedelia, just had her sixth child.  We're not sure who the daddy is this time, but we just love this little cross-eyed angel.  Bedelia is working on getting her GED and will be able to study more hours once she gets rid of that awful itch of hers.  The doctor said he's never seen anyone get that many different varieties of this kind of rot, but he's sure he can clear it up within the next year or so.  In the meantime, we made these cute cards out of construction paper and ribbon to send to everyone that she's been extra friendly to in the last several months.  As for Big Ed, that good-for-nothing-useless-piece-of-crap has done walked off and left me.  Praise God and Yoko Ono!  With any luck, I can get the locks changed before he thinks of coming back!  And me....what can I say.  The surgery went well, but I'm still wearing my Reynolds Wrap hat just in case the aliens try to take over my brain again.  But since it's Christmas, I've put a pretty red bow on top of it.  Bing Crosby!  And Happy New Year!

Well, that's the news in my little world.  I hope things are well in yours.

And how about that cleavage?

I was reading a news article online a few minutes ago that had the phrase "the cleavage to survive" in it.  Wow, I thought, how does one acquire the cleavage to survive?  Life is hard.  Just getting through the day is no picnic.  Do I have the cleavage to survive?  Look at my picture.  My boobs really do point to my arms.  There's no cleavage there!  Oh my gosh, how can I go on without the cleavage to survive?!!

Keep in mind that I was wearing my reading glasses.  That my face was only about 14 inches from the screen.  That sometimes I'm just a big, ol' idiot.  It was "courage."  The "courage to survive."  How the heck did I get "cleavage" out of "courage"?

I've been doing that a lot lately (or, at least, it seems like a lot).  I don't know if I'm actually seeing the wrong word or if my mind is giving me the wrong word.  I'll go to say "it's in the fridge" and it comes out "it's in the stove."  I head to the bathroom to move clothes from the washer to the dryer.  The washer and dryer, however, are in the laundry room, not the bathroom.  Completely opposite ends of the house.  I'm in the middle of a sentence and can't remember what else I was going to say.  I'm in the middle of a sentence and can't come up with the word I want.  I walk through the parking lot at work, up one aisle and down the other, because I don't recall where I parked my car.

I would love to come up with a raunchy cleavage joke right now, but I don't know any.  I can tell you that I stopped wearing a bra the day after I graduated from high school.  I wore one again for about the first 6 months after I got the job I have now 22 years ago.  I don't like bras.  The band hits right on my hiatal hernia and that's not comfortable at all, believe me.  So I wear nice thick sweatshirts in the winter and big loose t-shirts in the warm months.  If I ever lose this gut I have, the "girls" are going to hit the ground and get sidewalk burns.  Right now, they're safe "on the shelf", so to speak.  I just don't know how women can stand to be all trussed up like that.

I don't understand a lot of things.  How about pole dancing?  Who was the person who thought, "Hmm, I'm tired of dancing on the floor, why don't I wrap myself around a pole?"  Who thinks of stuff like that?  I can just see me pole dancing.  I'd need a step-ladder to haul my fat ass up the pole, and God knows I better vaseline my thighs or I'd be stuck up there for days.  Can you imagine the thigh burns?  How would I explain that to my doctor?  "Well, doc, you know that metal allergy I have?  Uh, yeah, uh, I was dancing on this pole, see, and...."  Oh, I can just see that now.  Which reminds me of the time my friend got poison ivy in a place that will make you cringe.  She had gone camping at a very primitive camping area.  The forest was the bathroom, know what I mean?  She went out into the woods in the middle of the night for a number 1 AND a number 2, and then used a handful of leaves for toilet paper.  Yep.  A very bad case of poison ivy down on the farm.  That poor girl was miserable for a month, which is why we should all camp at Holiday Inn. :-)

Getting older is so much fun.  Can't see crap and half the time you're constipated.  Vegetables give you diarrhea and you get no warning anymore when you're about to fart.  I used to be so embarrassed about that.  I'd be heading down an aisle at Kroger and toot one, and my face would turn 50 shades of red.  Now I just let 'em blow as loud as they want.  I figure if I'm going to do it, I may as well announce it.  I've started saying, "When I was your age...." and I call anyone up to 35 years old "kid."  My hair is turning gray.  My chin keeps growing 2 dark hairs on it.  I yank 'em, they grow back.  I yank 'em, they grow back.  I swear that after I die and am buried in the ground, those blasted hairs will still be growing.  The 3-year-old granddaughter looked at me the other night and said, "I don't like that face."  It's okay, sweetie, I'm not too fond of it myself. :-)

So.....the Annual Jamie Lee Curtis Halloween Film Festival has begun.  I only got to watch one movie this weekend because the 3-year-old was here and then I went on a date with Dad and his lady friend today.  Nothing like double-dating with your father, I always say.  Anywho, I began with the Turner Broadcasting version of Stephen King's "Salem's Lot".  One of the big 3 companies did "Salem's Lot" many years ago with David Soul in it.  It wasn't a whole lot like the book.  TBS did it and it was much better and scarier.  I'll also be watching Jamie Lee Curtis (the official Queen of Scream) in "Halloween" and "Halloween H2O."  Then there will be Adrienne Barbeau in the original "The Fog" followed by the remake of "The Thing" with Kurt Russell.  That movie scares the pants off of me.  I haven't decided what else I'll be watching, but you get the idea.  Scary movies in my pajamas under a blanket where the monsters can't see me, lots of Diet Pepsi and snacks.....it doesn't get much better than that!

Have I mentioned that both of our cars are being recalled by Toyota?  Now THAT's scary!

The only word that fits here now is the big "F" word, but I really think I shouldn't use that one!

I just spent the last hour blogging about what's been going on and why I haven't posted lately, and then my laptop ate my post.  So rather than try to recreate all that, let me just say that I've had a bad bout of fibromyalgia and depression for the last couple of weeks and couldn't do much of anything.  But the physical pain is starting to ease, and I've worked through the depression and am feeling better in my head, so I'm back.

Stay tuned for the next post in which you will learn about my annual "Jamie Lee Curtis Halloween Film Festival" and whatever else comes spilling out of my brain.  It may be 2 days (or so) before I post again, but that's because I'm getting new bedroom furniture and I'm going to be busy getting the old stuff out, the new stuff in, and setting up the room.  It's going to look "mahvelous"! :-)