Sunday, October 24, 2010

And how about that cleavage?

I was reading a news article online a few minutes ago that had the phrase "the cleavage to survive" in it.  Wow, I thought, how does one acquire the cleavage to survive?  Life is hard.  Just getting through the day is no picnic.  Do I have the cleavage to survive?  Look at my picture.  My boobs really do point to my arms.  There's no cleavage there!  Oh my gosh, how can I go on without the cleavage to survive?!!

Keep in mind that I was wearing my reading glasses.  That my face was only about 14 inches from the screen.  That sometimes I'm just a big, ol' idiot.  It was "courage."  The "courage to survive."  How the heck did I get "cleavage" out of "courage"?

I've been doing that a lot lately (or, at least, it seems like a lot).  I don't know if I'm actually seeing the wrong word or if my mind is giving me the wrong word.  I'll go to say "it's in the fridge" and it comes out "it's in the stove."  I head to the bathroom to move clothes from the washer to the dryer.  The washer and dryer, however, are in the laundry room, not the bathroom.  Completely opposite ends of the house.  I'm in the middle of a sentence and can't remember what else I was going to say.  I'm in the middle of a sentence and can't come up with the word I want.  I walk through the parking lot at work, up one aisle and down the other, because I don't recall where I parked my car.

I would love to come up with a raunchy cleavage joke right now, but I don't know any.  I can tell you that I stopped wearing a bra the day after I graduated from high school.  I wore one again for about the first 6 months after I got the job I have now 22 years ago.  I don't like bras.  The band hits right on my hiatal hernia and that's not comfortable at all, believe me.  So I wear nice thick sweatshirts in the winter and big loose t-shirts in the warm months.  If I ever lose this gut I have, the "girls" are going to hit the ground and get sidewalk burns.  Right now, they're safe "on the shelf", so to speak.  I just don't know how women can stand to be all trussed up like that.

I don't understand a lot of things.  How about pole dancing?  Who was the person who thought, "Hmm, I'm tired of dancing on the floor, why don't I wrap myself around a pole?"  Who thinks of stuff like that?  I can just see me pole dancing.  I'd need a step-ladder to haul my fat ass up the pole, and God knows I better vaseline my thighs or I'd be stuck up there for days.  Can you imagine the thigh burns?  How would I explain that to my doctor?  "Well, doc, you know that metal allergy I have?  Uh, yeah, uh, I was dancing on this pole, see, and...."  Oh, I can just see that now.  Which reminds me of the time my friend got poison ivy in a place that will make you cringe.  She had gone camping at a very primitive camping area.  The forest was the bathroom, know what I mean?  She went out into the woods in the middle of the night for a number 1 AND a number 2, and then used a handful of leaves for toilet paper.  Yep.  A very bad case of poison ivy down on the farm.  That poor girl was miserable for a month, which is why we should all camp at Holiday Inn. :-)

Getting older is so much fun.  Can't see crap and half the time you're constipated.  Vegetables give you diarrhea and you get no warning anymore when you're about to fart.  I used to be so embarrassed about that.  I'd be heading down an aisle at Kroger and toot one, and my face would turn 50 shades of red.  Now I just let 'em blow as loud as they want.  I figure if I'm going to do it, I may as well announce it.  I've started saying, "When I was your age...." and I call anyone up to 35 years old "kid."  My hair is turning gray.  My chin keeps growing 2 dark hairs on it.  I yank 'em, they grow back.  I yank 'em, they grow back.  I swear that after I die and am buried in the ground, those blasted hairs will still be growing.  The 3-year-old granddaughter looked at me the other night and said, "I don't like that face."  It's okay, sweetie, I'm not too fond of it myself. :-)

So.....the Annual Jamie Lee Curtis Halloween Film Festival has begun.  I only got to watch one movie this weekend because the 3-year-old was here and then I went on a date with Dad and his lady friend today.  Nothing like double-dating with your father, I always say.  Anywho, I began with the Turner Broadcasting version of Stephen King's "Salem's Lot".  One of the big 3 companies did "Salem's Lot" many years ago with David Soul in it.  It wasn't a whole lot like the book.  TBS did it and it was much better and scarier.  I'll also be watching Jamie Lee Curtis (the official Queen of Scream) in "Halloween" and "Halloween H2O."  Then there will be Adrienne Barbeau in the original "The Fog" followed by the remake of "The Thing" with Kurt Russell.  That movie scares the pants off of me.  I haven't decided what else I'll be watching, but you get the idea.  Scary movies in my pajamas under a blanket where the monsters can't see me, lots of Diet Pepsi and doesn't get much better than that!

Have I mentioned that both of our cars are being recalled by Toyota?  Now THAT's scary!

1 comment:

  1. I'm still laughing!!!!!!!!!!! My car is being recalled AGAIN too. I have a lexus. Not sure why another recall.