Well, based on the badness of the thoughts I'm having, Jesus has surely been drinking gin out of the cat dish all day long. Mercy! Can these Republican candidates be any more stupid than they already are? First, we had Todd Akin and his insipid "legitimate rape" theory. Now senate candidate Richard Mourdock gives us this gem: "I think, even when life begins in that horrible situation of rape, that is something God intended to happen." I could tell these two idiots a thing or two about rape and what it does to a woman, and the biggest one is that God never, ever, EVER would intend that to happen to anyone. All day I've been wanting God to send down Archangel Michael to handle the situation with Mourdock. Can you imagine?
Archangel: "Okay, Mr. Mourdock, you can hand over your balls now."
Mourdock: "What??!! Who in the &%#!!! are you?"
The Archangel spreads his wings and pulls a personal size flamethrower from his pocket.
Archangel: "Look. We can do this peacefully or I can torch 'em."
Mourdock: "But...but...but...I need my balls! I'm running for the Senate!
Archangel: "Not anymore."
Then the smell of barbecue fills the air.
And that is why Jesus is not only drinking gin from the cat dish, but is also filling out forms in triplicate on why God should revoke my card-carrying-Christian license.
I'm not so heartless and unforgiving that I want to see Mourdock and Akin dead. I just want them to suffer a little. You know what I mean. Penis scurvy, a bodacious case of herpes, genital warts, erectile dysfunction, and just for the fun of it, let them be turned into women. Not just any women. DEMOCRAT women!!!
(Full Disclosure: The idea of Jesus and the cat dish comes from the wonderful, wildly talented writer, Anne Lamott, who wrote: "I thought such awful thoughts that I cannot even say them out loud because they would make Jesus want to drink gin straight out of the cat dish." She also wrote: "You can safely assume you've created God in your own image when it turns out that God hates all the same people you do." In my next life, I'm going to be Anne Lamott!)