Thursday, September 16, 2010

Meanderings and Musings from the Other Twenty-Eight

The ride to work this morning was exciting. The woman in the car in front of me was looking in the rearview mirror and applying her mascara. The woman in the car in front of her was texting as she drove. We were all moving at 45 MPH. It's at times like these that I feel closest to the Lord. "Dear God," I prayed, "if I'm killed this morning because of these two women, please let me live long enough to beat the holy crap out of both of them. Amen. Oh yeah. Please help me be a nicer person. Amen."

This was one of the few mornings that I didn't do things "my way." My way would have been to pass both of them, give them the happy one-finger salute, call them a few names that I shouldn't think much less say, and then leave them with a wide grin on my face. Instead, I did a "half-way" and made snarky faces at them in my rearview mirror as I blew past them. I let 'em off easy. Wonder what's wrong with me!

Let's see.....that was the Starland Vocal Band who did the song "Rear View Mirror" (written by Bill Danoff and Jon Carroll). "There's got to be a Heaven somewhere...I hope I know it when I get there...I can see my life in a rear view mirror (but I don't see Heaven)...and I don't see Heaven getting any nearer". Or something like that. I couldn't find the lyrics online. Anyhoo, this group was truly a vocal band. They played their voices like instruments and their sound was amazing. Not many groups have that kind of harmony and fabulous vocal arrangements. The group "Ollabelle" comes close. For pete's sake, you haven't heard of Ollabelle? Get your tush down to Barnes & Noble and give them a listen. (Have I mentioned that I started off as a music major in college? Well, now you know. I'm a geek!)

Sometimes I just want to moon somebody! Whew, I feel better now! Confession really is good for the soul. Who knew? I wasn't planning on getting into that tonight. The whole mooning thing is my little secret. I find myself wanting to drop my drawers and flash the cheeks in the oddest situations and places. A couple of weeks ago, someone at work whom I don't care for (no one that I work directly with, in case someone I do work directly with is reading this) made the snidest remark to me in the elevator. I had the strongest urge to lose my pants, bend over, and give her the universal sign for "kiss my ass butt, you piece of shit fecal matter, yes, you." Of course, I didn’t do that because I’m a grownup (sigh) and a professional (I'm grateful to have a job). Of course again, being a grownup and a professional doesn't keep me from declaring a "bitch alert" every time I see her.

My brother Steve wants to know how DVDs know what screen size your TV is.  ("This film is formatted to fit your screen.")

I see Dr. Dracula again next Monday. This time, I'm thinking that I'll just keep all my blood for myself. That'll fix him. :-)

And somebody please explain this "Jersey Shore" to me. A judge called this Snooki person a "Lindsay Lohan wannabe" or something like that. When I see her, the word "skank" comes to me and that goes for "The Situation", too. I would love to be in charge of the world for just one day. I'd be tossing lightning bolts at people like them all day long. Paris Hilton, too. Some people are just a waste of space on the planet and I'm getting tired of them breathing my air. I'd fry up those two idiot ministers in Florida and Kansas and use them for pig slop. Then I'd send just about the entire Congress to live on another planet and start our government over with people who have some sense and sanity. And I'd do all of that just in the first hour.

So I'm thinking about writing my own funeral. That's not as weird as it sounds. Think about it. You're lying there dead and people are talking about you and telling other people how you were and who you were. Uh-uh, not at my funeral. There will be things that I'd rather tell and say myself. And I want to choreograph it. No, not dancing. The order of things and what's done. There are certain songs that I want to be played at particular times and certain people whom I want to read my words. Yep, I'm thinking that I need to put it all together myself, so that it's really me and it's done how I want it. I know who I am and I know what I am, and I should be the one to tell the story. So when I die, you may not want to miss my funeral. It should be very interesting.

It's late here now. Blogger will say that this was posted at 10:01 PM, but it's actually just after midnight. I have to get up early to go to work and I have to do the morning exercise walk before that. And between now and then, I've got to get in a few hours with this danged sleep mask that I don't like so much, but I love how much better it makes me feel. I hope this post tonight has satisfied everyone who's been after me to update the blog. If it hasn't, I have some pants I can drop..... :-)

Almost forgot....I guess you're wondering who the "Other Twenty-Eight" are. Well, one night I looked at Ginger and teasingly said in my best please-don't-hate-me-because-I'm-beautiful-voice, "Give us a little kiss." To which she replied, "Just how many of you are in there?" My answer, of course, was "29!" And now you know the other 28.


  1. I am still laughing! Thanks. As for the mooning, go for it. You only live once my friend. Love ya!

  2. Thanks for updating your blog, I really enjoy reading it, you should have a column in a newspaper! Good luck with Dracula...Tony visits the one here in Las Vegas, a lot! No wonder he's anemic and having to have iron infusions, with all that is taken out of him!
    Take care of yourself and try and keep your pants up! LOL!