'Tis the Season!

When I was a kid, the holiday season didn't begin officially until the week of Thanksgiving.  But now the Christmas decorations start going up in the stores around Labor Day.  That means we're shopping for Halloween costumes over Fourth of July.  It seems pretty crazy to me, but when in Rome.....  So let me welcome you to this year's season of family fun!  Or, as I like to call it, "The Day When Everyone in the Family Who's Still Speaking to Each Other Get Together."

Don't you just love the holidays this time of year?  Your kids are changing their minds about what they want from Santa every 5 minutes right up until 11:59 PM on Christmas Eve -- because Santa knows and he can do anything, Mom!  Ever try finding the toy-of-the-year on Christmas Eve?  You can't even find it a month earlier!  Back in the day, my Mom and I would go to Zayre's (remember that department store?) on the evening of Christmas Eve.  On the way there, we would stop somewhere and get Diet Cokes.  (Hey, it was going to be a long night!)  Then we'd go inside, find us a bench to sit on, and watch the last minute shoppers go nuts trying to find everything on their lists!  We'd make bets on who was going to collapse in tears first or which two people going after the same item would get into a fight.  It was a madhouse, and Mom and I would sit there and laugh and poke each other in the ribs.  It was better than mud wrestling!

I work for a company that is just right up the street from a shopping mall.  Oh yeah, you bet I love that.  I don't do malls except when I get the silly urge to go mall walking, and that happens about once every 5 years.  You would not believe the traffic during the winter holidays.  All I want to do is drive 2-1/2 blocks to Jersey Mike's for lunch (shut up! it's too cold to walk!) and traffic is moving about 3 feet an hour.  People are giving out the one-finger salute like it's free candy, horns are blowing, and my stomach is about to jump out of my throat and continue the trip without me.  I just want to scramble out of my car and scream at everyone that "It's the Holy Season and all ya'll ought to be loving your neighbor!"  Of course, that will have to wait until I finish my own one-finger salute!

Thanksgiving.  Isn't it great?  I'm especially loving it this year now that I'm in Weight Watchers.  For the past month, our Weight Watcher leader is telling us to plan ahead, figure out how we can make those side dishes healthier and with fewer calories, and have a plan for what we're going to eat, and for pete's sake don't forget to count every little crumb that goes in your mouth.  I'm thinking about e-mailing her a picture of me with 2 fat turkey legs in one hand, a fistful of stuffing in the other hand, and mashed potatoes and gravy running down my chin.  Count your calories??  I don't think so!  I've spent the last 6 months being fairly good about this, but on Thanksgiving I want FOOD!!  I'm not all that crazy about turkey.  What I really like is to put stuffing in a cereal bowl, top that with mashed potatoes, and then top both of those with about a quart of gravy.  Now them's good eatin'!

But then there's always the dishes.  Boo.  My sister Judy (may she rest in peace) and I always did the dishes after Thanksgiving dinner.  Let me rephrase that.  I always did the dishes after Thanksgiving dinner.  Judy would tell me, "I have to go to the bathroom.  Put away the leftovers and I'll be right back."  Yeah, right.  I could stow the leftovers, clear the table, wash, dry, and put away the dishes, and she would still be upstairs hiding behind the bathroom door.  Nowadays, I just say "I'm over 50 and I don't have to do anything I don't want to do anymore!"  It helps that dishwashers are more mechanical now than human, ha-ha.

So, the holidays are officially here.  My niece Meredith will grab both turkey legs next week and wave them in my sister Lisa's face.  (Long story.)  At least one kid will be too tired and cry.  I'll sit on my lazy butt and let the rest of the family do the clean-up.  Mom, Dad, and Judy will be looking down and smiling on us all.  Santa will be taking names.  Maybe I should let that one-finger salute rest until after Christmas!

Some Things I Know for Sure

Donald Trump is an idiot.

So is Ted Nugent.

A fact revisited.....After you turn 50, you get no warning when you're about to fart.  At work, the aisle at the grocery store, every time you turn over in your sleep.  Pffttt! Pffttt! Pffttt!  But that's only the quiet ones.  It gets worse!  Trust me on this.  Once you're 55, you not only get no warning, you will be talking to someone when you hear a "RRIIIIIIIIPPP!!" like the sound of an elephant trumpeting, and you won't care that it's coming from you.  You won't even pause long enough to say "Pardon me!  I'm sorry!" because you've done it so often, your brain doesn't register it anymore.

When you're buying a magazine or book, or you're just perusing one while you're stuck in the checkout line, never ever EVER pick up the first one in the stack.  You don't know who has touched it, what kid has licked it (maybe I licked it, you never know!), if someone wiped their booger covered hands on it, or what.  Get the picture?  Always go for the one that's a couple from the back.  Then you can be pretty sure that it's relatively unscathed and safe to touch.  If there's only one copy, BACK AWAY NOW.

While we're on the subject, the same goes for waiting rooms.  Never ever EVER read a magazine or pamphlet in a waiting room.  It doesn't matter if it's the last one in the stack, it's been groped by God knows who or what.  You go to the doctor for a pulled muscle, touch a magazine, and you'll walk out of there with scabies.  Just don't do it.  Take your own reading material or do without.

If there is dog poop or bubblegum on the ground, I will step it.  It's just a sad fact of my life.

Once you're 50, you don't have to do anything you don't want to anymore, except maybe work, die, and pay taxes.  And when you say "No, I don't want to", you don't have to say why.  You're no longer obligated to give a reason.  If the neighbor next door asks you to watch her bratty kids, all you have to say is "No."  I, however, like giving reasons for the things I don't do.  So I would be saying, "No, not if you paid me a million bucks, because your kids are the spawn of Satan, and I would rather chew live scorpions than be anywhere near those hellions."

If you have dogs or cats, you can get out of bringing a dish to a potluck simply by saying, "I'd love to bring a dish.  Oh my, I just hope I don't get the dog's fleas or cat hair in it."  You will still be invited to future meals, but you will never have to bring a dish again.

When I use a public restroom, I will sit down on a very warm seat 9 times out of 10.  Yuck, someone else's naked butt heat.  Just another sad fact of my life.

The Kardashians/Jenners have got to be the most useless pieces of you-know-what-that-starts-with-"sh" on this planet.  (Oh, wait a minute.  This just in:  Octomom and the entire cast of "Jersey Shore" are looking to claim the title.)  I must say that Bruce Jenner has got to be the most kitty-whipped man in all creation.  His wife tells him that she may still have the hots for an old flame and she met him to find out if there was anything to it--and she tells him on national television--and he barely raises a fake eyebrow!  I would have thrown that skank out of my house and changed the locks!  No, I don't watch the show.  I got this from the 50 bazillion commercials that were shown about it.

But hey, commercials featuring the Kartrashians are way better than the recent election ads, don't ya think?  I'd be stuck sitting through 5 ads in a row and every person in them was talking out the side of his mouth.  Talk about lying!  They all need a big old bar of Lifebuoy to suck on.  I'm so glad this election is over.  I've never seen a campaign season so filled with people saying mean and vicious things!  Now if the voices in my head would just stop talking to each other......

I'm the Kitchen Sink and I approve this message!

Yes, I Would Love Some Cheese with my Whine!

Trying to think of something to blog every day is the pits, so I think that little experiment has come to an end.  But coming up with something at least once a week is doable because there are so many idiots in the world to make fun of (including yours truly).

A woman at the office went into a stall in the ladies' restroom today with an e-reader in one hand and a munchie and drink in the other.  I kid you not.  And this is one of the women who I know for a fact doesn't wash her hands when she's finished.  So she leaves the restroom with potty giblets on her hands, her e-reader, and her coffee cup.  Even worse, she touches doorknobs and doors and who knows what else with those turdy hands.  I'm not a germ-a-phobe, although another woman in the restroom told me that I wash my hands more thoroughly than anyone else she has ever seen.  It's just that I have two autoimmune disorders which means that my immunity is compromised to some degree.  Dr. Dracula and Dr. OhMyAchyBody always remind me about washing my hands well and often.  So I tend to get a little perturbed when people use the facilities and leave without washing up.  Besides, it's just nasty to do that.

Have you seen the photos of folks out on the beaches in North Carolina and New Jersey?  No, I promise, I'm not making fun of Superstorm Sandy and the unfortunate people who are having to live through it.  I'm ridiculing the stupid idiots who go stand on the beach just to see the waves and feel the wind.  Like it's a balmy day with 3 foot waves and a 10 MPH wind!!  How dumb can people be?  And don't even get me started on the weather reporters who get out in the mess and are blown off their feet and their coats are ripped from their bodies and microphone are flying everywhere.  I know you're supposed to do what your boss tells you, but I'm pretty sure that risking my life is not in my job contract.

Of course, the anti-gay crazies have crawled out of the woodwork.  Remember when Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson blamed gays for the terrorist attack on 9/11/2001?  They also blamed the ACLU, feminists, abortionists, and People for the American Way.  Not that we all actually took part in the terrorist acts.  It was that our immoral behaviors invited the attack to happen.  Let's also not forget the Rev. Fred Phelps and the congregation at the Westboro Baptist Church in Topeka, Kansas.  They're the jerks who picket military funerals with signs such as "God Hates Fags", "God Loves Breast Cancer", "Pray for More Dead Cops", and my personal favorite, "You Will Eat Your Babies".  WTF?!  So now we have Rev. John McTernan blaming President Obama and the gays for Hurricane Sandy.  He also blames God for both the heat wave and drought this year plus the hurricane.  I tell ya, Rev, I'd be really careful about pointing the finger at God.

Can I get some more cheese, please?  And maybe another glass of whine?

Let's see now, who's left?  Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan.  Oh, dear God, no.  People get mighty testy if you say something bad about their candidate.  I don't want a bunch of angry folks putting mean comments on my blog, so I'm not going to say that Mitt Romney flops more than a fish on the beach and Paul Ryan needs to be slapped upside the head for his views on women's rights.  I'm not going to say that if those two are elected, women can kiss their birth control benefits goodbye and their right to decide what happens with their bodies will go right out the window.  And I'm not going to say that if it were Republican men having the babies, abortion and birth control would be sacraments.  And I'm not going to say that if they win the election and coverage for birth control is wiped out, you can bet your butt that Viagra will still be subsidized.  Nope, not me, no way.

Well, will you look at that?  The whine's all gone!

Fasten Your Seatbelts, It's Going to be a Bumpy Ride

Now we get down to business.....

The hardest part of writing is that the truth must be told.  You have to write your truth and you can't worry about whom it hurts or who gets angry at you.  If you don't, it can drive you crazy.  Suppressing what you really need to say and share is worse than lying to yourself.  It makes you stomach hurt and it feels like your brain is going to burst from trying to hold it all in.  There are things I've never told my family about because I didn't want to make them sad or make them worry.  It's not easy being a writer, especially one who writes about life in all its amazing and bloody glory.  Want to hear a haunting song about how Superman really felt about his life?  The first time I heard this song and read the lyrics, I was shaken at how much it felt like me, and God knows I'm no superhero.

Like Superman, I'm only trying to find the better part of me.  Like Superman, I spent a good chunk of my life being someone I wasn't and trying to please everyone but me.  And what I got from that was 16 years in cognitive therapy for PTSD, depression, and self-mutilation.  I'm well enough now that between the daily medication and the tools I learned for recognizing when the depression is hitting me and being able to contain it, I only see my therapist for the occasional tune-up or when something major happens that I need help understanding.  At some point--in 5 days or 5 years--I will need to write about this.  I will need to write my truth.

I've been painfully aware of my mortality ever since my sister died 5 years ago.  Parents are supposed to die before their children.  That's the natural order of things.  But Judy died first.  Mom died 10 months later.  Dad followed 6 months ago.  I'm the oldest in my immediate family now and I figure that I'll be the next to go.  I'll be 60 next year.  Every day I read obituaries in the newspaper of people who have died in their 50s and 60s.  I know that the end could come at anytime.  I'm not obsessing about it, but I would like to have enough time left to do something, however little, that will make this world (or my small portion of it) better than it was before I left.  Even if I could write a book or a poem or an essay--or a blog post-- that would only make life a bit simpler or easier for just one person, I would die at peace.

So I'll be writing my truth here.  I'll try not to step on other folks' truths.  I'll do my best not to hurt anyone, but I can't promise not to make you sad.  Sometimes we'll laugh, sometimes we'll cry, but at all times we'll have our seatbelts fastened and make it through just fine.

It's my life.  Welcome to it.

 

Let's Just Keep Laughing

Oh my, I do have some very serious topics, but I think I'd rather keep laughing.  So whom shall we pick on today?  Well, that question is just too easy!

Hey, Donald Trump, is that a wig on your head or did some squirrel crawl up there and die?  What an idiot!  He blathers on and on all week about this big deal announcement of his and how it's going to change the election and all this other nonsense.  And what did it end up being?  A $5 million dollar bribe for Obama to offer up his college records and passport.  God help me, first The Donald went after Obama's birth certificate and now this.  What's next?  Dental records?  Fingerprints?  Give it a rest, Donnie, and go home.  I hope Rosie O'Donnell falls madly in love with you and stalks you until the day you die.  Whenever I see/hear a man as self-centered, self-promoting, loud, and belligerent as he is, I always figure it's to compensate for the abnormally small size of his manhood.  Proportions, you know.

Speaking of the election, this one has just about been the death of me.  I had to unfriend someone on Facebook because she was so obnoxious about the whole thing.  She posted a list about the Top 10 differences between conservatives and liberals that was just downright mean.  Of course, she's so right-wing that she's completely off the planet.  I'm about middle-of-the-road but I lean more toward the liberal side.  Her list was very unkind to liberals and the blatant lies on there didn't go over well with me either.  So I asked her if that's what she thought of me and got no answer.  Not one word.  That told me all I needed to know and off my Friends list she went.  I must say that I'm much calmer these days now that her vicious crap isn't showing up all over my FB wall.

And someone stole our Obama campaign sign right out of our front lawn!!  What has gotten into people?  I've thought about praying for all of us to become nicer to each other, but don't you think God has way more important things to do than to yell at the kids?  We're lucky we all don't get a cosmic slap up side of the head.

Before my blood pressure goes up any higher.....I took the day off work today to enjoy the 80 degree, sunny weather.  What a gorgeous day.  Made it over to Sharon Woods for a little bit and had a few strides by the lake and the ducks.  People were out boating and fishing.  Before that, Ginger and I went to see the movie "Argo."  I have one word for this movie: GO!!!  See this movie!  It's amazingly well done.  Great acting, great directing, it's based on true U.S. history, and it's just a darn good movie.

Well, I need to be getting off here to get to sleep because we're getting up early tomorrow morning and going out for breakfast.  And that means BACON!!!  Yeah, baby!  Bacon, bacon, BACON!!!  I love me some BACON!!!  Did I mention that I really like bacon?  Since we have two cats that I adore more than life itself, I've tried to be vegetarian because how can I love these kitties so much and still eat their relatives?  But I couldn't do it.  I just love meat, especially pork, and especially BACON!!!  So it's "night-ers" for me.  Sweet dreams everyone.  Come back tomorrow and I'll try to do better.  Love ya!  Mean it!